Thursday, February 16, 2012

Shit They Don't Tell You: Labor & Delivery

First in a series of shit they should have told you when you were building up to that whole 10 months of being knocked up, thing...

1. You will know when your water breaks, unless you normally have pee the consistency of pancake syrup and a massive incontinence problem.

2. The day you go into labor will (of course) be the day that 19 consultants will be on to "observe" the nurse who will be helping you deliver. (And if you're me, you'll know at least ONE of them, and be thoroughly unable to look them in the eyes in the hallway at work ever again, now that they know way more about your cervix than even you do.)

3. The overwhelming urge to jump up and tongue kiss your anesthesiologist for putting in such a totally amazing, wonderful, superb epidural should not be acted on. Your legs no longer work, you'll fall over, and the sweet, sweet epidural will rip out.

4. When you ARE supposed to push, you'll get the worst migraine of your life, and they're not about to give you drugs, so you're going to push, freak out about probably pooping in front of the 19 consultants, AND vomit copiously.

5. When they finally get the little bowling ball out, they're going to tell you to PICK HIM UP while he's still got like, one foot in the door. And it's going to be like trying to pick up a cat covered in cream cheese. Oh, and they'll also totally expect you to try to breastfeed him as soon as they get his Apgar score. (Nevermind that you're covered in puke, sweat, baby cream cheese, and are trying to surreptitiously count fingers/toes- or would be if you could remember what the hell numbers are.)

6. The consultants don't stick around for the placenta.

7. Your husband won't stick around for the placenta, and your jokes about taking it home to turn it into meatloaf will get you odd looks from the staff.

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